Wrestling with God

Today I do not have any real thoughts to offer so please allow me to just share a little of my current adventure with God. I am in the midst of quite a wrestling match with Him.

To say the least, I have been under spiritual attack the past few weeks as you can tell from my blog last week. In many ways I am still in the midst of a dark storm feeling really lost, but the past few days I have been full of joy. The turnaround came later in the evening on Ash Wednesday just after I wrote my last blog called “The Eye of the Storm”.

During this season of Lent I gave up a very significant love of mine. (Please know I am not writing about this to brag about myself and my only intention is to encourage you with what God is doing in my life through these 6 weeks.) I really did not even like the idea of a fast at first. I’ll even admit the motive at first was to please someone else and it really was not for me. It has not been easy and I struggle every day with temptations to break the fast. But wow...my eyes have been opened and now I realize how much I actually needed this time to focus on God.

Feeling lost, I’ve been asking God where should I go, what should I do, who am I to be and who is the one to be next me. Those really seem to be surface level questions, but I want to have more passion in life, more meaning, and more fulfillment. I am really wrestling with Him right now on an even deeper level: I’m asking Him what is my purpose here and now. Trust me...I don’t just get down on my hands and knees and pray like a good little Christian kid. I wrestle with God and I actually get frustrated and angry with Him sometimes.

Now before I go any further I will say I know the Christian cliché answer is my purpose is to love and serve God and bring glory to Him in all that I do. I have heard that answer from Christian circles all my life. And all I want to say to them right now is...really? Is it really that simple? I feel really lost in so many ways right now and that answer just does not seem to be enough. I need something more...something more tangible...something more real. Maybe that is the answer and I just need to discover that for myself (which may be what God is wanting to teach me right now), but I’ll be honest and say I don’t like that answer right now.

I’ve started reading Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life book for the first time. I know the book has been around for years now, but in the past it has actually been something I have tried to avoid reading. However, it seems to fit perfectly with what I am searching for right now since it is based on a 40 day schedule of asking God questions about one’s purpose. I'll give it a try anyways. Through the book and many other things God has been teaching me some amazing things even in just this first week. I certainly don’t have any answers yet, but I am excited to see what God has in store for me in the weeks ahead.

Help me out. Tell me...what is your purpose in life? What motivates you to get up day in and day out?


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